Blended Hope

Angelversary’s are Heartwrenching

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Here I am with my 3 kiddos, in California, visiting the grave of my deceased husband at the one year mark. Wow. What a blur. This would be our last time visiting before our move.

I mean you cannot even explain to people what the experience is like other than to say “it’s painful”. And that doesn’t even do it justice.

Every year on the anniversary of Cameron’s death it brings back a flood of emotion. Remembering how I was told of his death, the reaction, the phone calls, the worry, the children, how stressful the mantle of responsibility that was placed upon me, and how badly my body physically handled the grief (which was very painful).

The first angelversary was filled with tears. Watching my children stand over his headstone is an image I wish I could just erase. They are too young to experience this pain and I hate it. Actually, I feel too young to feel this pain too. My oldest son put his arms around me and said “Mom, it’s okay. We will see him again”. Even having faith that it will happen, I still shed tears.

Knowing that our family was preparing to move to Utah in a few weeks and that I could no longer visit his grave, was tough. I secretly was a little jealous that Matt could visit his wife whenever and I couldn’t visit Cam. It didn’t feel fair.

My children and I placed some flowers atop Cameron’s headstone and said our goodbyes. We could feel that he was watching over us and that Cam wouldn’t want us worrying about visiting his resting place anyways. As I was walking back to my car I could almost hear Cam saying “don’t waste your money on flowers, Babe, take the kids out for dinner instead. They would like that”.

And that’s just what we did on the second year. Angelversary day included Dominoes Pizza (Cam’s favorite) with wings. It makes not being able to visit the cemetery a little better and the kids sure were excited about this new tradition!

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