Is This MY Life? Is This Really Me???

Choosing to marry Matt was easy, it’s everything that came with that choice that was complicated. Moving to a new state, combining our two families and all of their personalities, leaving all of my friends, my church family, etc. This was hard!! But little did I know one of the HARDEST things about this big move was leaving my career and becoming a stay at home mom. You would think that teaching Pre Kindergarten at a busy school would be so similar to staying at home with 8 kids and that I wouldn’t miss it, but I DID!!

The first few months in Utah was like a working vacation. Unpacking, getting situated, signing the kids up for 3 different schools, sorting through stuff, and getting to know each other. It was still summer so the house wasn’t quiet and it was always busy.

Then, the kids all started school….

It was just Quinton (age 3) and myself, home till Brendan came home from Kindergarten. Well, this will be fun, I thought to myself. It will be just like my preschool but better because I’m at my own home and I can do what I want, when I want.

No. Nope. Wrong. Not even close.

I soon realized that I thrive off of the people around me…and I didn’t have other adults to socialize with. It was quiet and lonely. I also realized that because I had been a working mom for so many years I would cram a weeks worth of work into one day and leave nothing to do for the week. I would wake up everyday and have nothing to do, except cook. I didn’t even like to cook!

Poor Matt would come home to his depressed new wife. He would constantly ask me “what can I do?” or “what will make you happy?” or “do you want to get a job?”. Honestly, I didn’t know what would make me happy.

I was starting to sink into a deep sadness. With too much time on my hands it left too much time for me to think. Thinking about my old life, what I use to do, who I spent my time with, how I use to spend my days, etc.

I lost sight of what I had prayed about and the path I chose. I knew that marrying Matt and staying at home to raise all of our children is what I needed to do, just not what I was currently wanting to do.

All of our children had suffered the loss of a parent and had a missing figure in their home. With our new family unit complete, this was my chance to help each of our children feel happy again, feel stable, and feel proud of their home. I needed to change my thinking and my attitude. They needed me!

The picture I posted above was taken on a day that I just finally had to accept my new life, throw my hands in the air, and say, “This is my life”.

Here I was, in all of my mom glory, in my 12 passenger van, dropping kids off and picking them up, wearing my apron, looking like I haven’t showered. In my head I was saying “Like, is this my life?!! Seriously?!”.

Yes! This was my new life and I’m going to love it!!

Yes, I’m a stay at home mom in Utah with 8 kids and all I do is cook and clean and run kids around. This is my new life and I’m doing amazing things, it just doesn’t feel like it right now.

I had to just sit in my van that day and have a little cry session. I had to let go of my old life. That’s a really hard thing to do!

I know I have great things to do in life. I know I have children, a lot of them, depending on me. I know that this life isn’t glamorous or shiny. I know that what I’m doing each day will have the longest lasting effects and that’s important. This is the life of a mom and a step mom. Our blended family needed me to step it up and stop living in the past.

I’m still a work in progress but have made great strides. I love my new marriage, my new family, my new home, and all the friends I’ve made. Life is truly what you make of it and I choose to be happy.

Bring on the PTA meetings, cookie baking, and hair in a pony tail!!