I’ve always wanted 10 children. Sounds crazy, right? But it’s true. Growing up, my teachers would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And I would answer firmly, “a mom”. I actually had a male teacher in junior high ridicule me in front of the class for such an answer, but I never wavered.
When Cameron and I were getting ready to have our first child together, in 1999, he told me how fortunate he was that I was going to be the mother of his children. He would always tell me how good I was with kids, that I had a gift with children, and what a wonderful mother I would be. So, in my mind I thought we would have baby after baby, but that just wasn’t going to be our path in life.
Shortly after our first son was born, Cameron went into a treatment center for substance abuse. He would get himself on the right track for awhile then relapse back into darkness. Between Cameron, myself, his family, my family, our church, our friends, we all tried desperately to support Cameron and give him all that he needed to stay on the right track. He slipped and fell back countless times.
It was in between those times he was doing well that we added our second child in 2002, and third child in 2008. After our third child I was still young enough to have more children and felt like our family was not complete. However, Cameron was done. He would tell me how he just couldn’t handle putting one more child through his bumpy life, that financially it was too stressful, and he just felt he was too old. So he had a vasectomy.
I was beyond crushed. The way I had always envisioned our life was never going to be fulfilled and it was painful to accept. He had made the decision and it was final.
For the next year of my life I couldn’t hold a baby without being upset, I would cry myself to sleep more times than I could count, and I just couldn’t get used to the idea that our family was complete with (only) three children. I instigated countless arguments with Cameron and pushed him to the limit with my insistent nagging about the vasectomy. I begged him to have it reversed, but he wouldn’t budge.
Eventually I decided that if I wanted to have peace in the home I needed to let this issue go and be happy with the three children we had. It was so heartbreaking. But, over time I adjusted and loved our little family. It was complete, even though it wasn’t my desire.
Looking back, it was a huge blessing that I only had three children to care for and not ten when Cameron passed away in 2014…
When Matt sent me the friend request and we started corresponding, I knew right away he had five children and his wife was deceased. I didn’t really see where this new friendship would go but soon after speaking we were planning a date to meet one another. I was a little nervous meeting him because I was worried I would fall in love with him and bond with his children… and that would mean I might become a dreaded “Stepmom”!! I have never wanted to be a stepmom and after Cam died I actually told my friends that I would date older men so I could avoid it altogether.
Well, that all changed! The second I met Matt’s children I knew they were supposed to be my children. I knew I was supposed to be their new mother and I liked Matt a little too haha! I fell in love with each child and looked forward to having them in my life. I am now a proud Stepmom and cannot believe I ever feared this role.
Today, being the mother to all of our children in our blended family I sometimes reflect on how God put me in this position. He knew the desires of my heart and answered my prayers. But why did I have to go through so much heartache? Why wasn’t I able to have this family with Cameron? Why did Amy have to die and leave her children? This life that I have today is just what I’ve always wanted but not the circumstances Matt and I had to go through to get here–does that make sense? I finally feel complete as a mother and wife but don’t understand why life had to be so hard to get to this point?
I don’t know the answers to life’s questions so for now I just have to accept what has happened and be grateful. I was blessed to have been Cameron’s wife and have 3 beautiful children with him. I am now fortunate to have married Matt and have the opportunity to raise he and Amy’s 5 incredible children. And to top it all off, I am the proud mama to the sweetest baby that Matt and I share. I don’t have the TEN children I dreamed about but nine is close enough!
How grateful I am for answered prayers even if it took 20 years to happen!
Have you ever had a “delayed” blessing happen in your life?