Blended Hope

“Your Child Makes Me Want a Divorce”

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Let me preface this post with this: Matt and I are happily married. We are not splitting up or getting a divorce. That being said, let me explain the title of this post.

When I made the choice to get remarried and blend our families I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I was ready to tackle the issues as they came but I soon found out just how unprepared I was.

I was expecting the obvious differences between Matt and I to be our biggest battles. Such topics as: Matt prefers to eat homemade food, I prefer to eat out. Or the fact that Matt leans more towards natural remedies and I head straight to antibiotics. Or I like rap music and Matt hates it. I could go on and on but I really thought that these issues would be front and center.

Annnnddddd….We have never argued about any of these issues. Ha!

What is our biggest issue?

The children!!!!!

I cannot even count the number of arguments, sleepless nights, contentious home time, ruined evenings out, horrible family outings, tears, feelings of hopelessness, have all occurred because of each other’s children.

My patience has been worn so thin since becoming a stepmom that I’ve been pushed to repeat the title of this post! …Something I am not proud of.

I have had countless conversations with other step parents who have all echoed the same sentiments so I want to tell you, you’re not alone in this!

In fact, I’m not sure if I’ve ever spoken to anyone in a blended family (except maybe Matt. He’s rare) that hasn’t thought or repeated the title of this post. The topic is that rampant in blended families.

I belong to several online stepfamily support groups and I cannot tell you how jam-packed these sites are with story after story of “there is no hope in my marriage because of my stepson” or “I have lost all respect for my new wife because of the way she lets her children talk to me”.

So what’s the deal? Why do stepchildren push blended families apart? I can give you my top 3 personal reasons–yours may be different:

1. You cannot discipline a stepchild the same. If you have shared custody then you’re really dealing with two sets of rules and that adds to the frustration, I’m sure. In my situation (being the only home) I still struggle with carrying out the same consequences to all of our children. <stressful on the marriage because the imbalance causes contention and resentment>

2. You cannot react to a stepchild the same way you would with your own child. Chances are you have probably uttered the words “if he/she were my kid I would have said or done….”. <this creates stress between hubby and wife because you typically have to hold in your frustration and in the end feel like your life would be easier without dealing with these issues. Or, you feel like your spouse won’t/can’t correct the issue so why bother>

3. This one is what I feel pushes remarriage to the edge of the “Big D” word: you will get so angry or frustrated at your stepchild that you do not want to be close with your spouse. Even though it has nothing to do with your spouse, you just don’t want to be near them when you’re mad at their child. This is the “get away from me, I need space” comment your spouse gave you…remember that one? Ha! <this creates a huge divide, it’s hard to overcome, and very hard to get back to those loving feelings>.

But what makes you stay?

What makes me stay?

I know in my situation I want the happy ending and I never want to be without the love I have found. I have to remind myself that this season in life will be over soon and I might actually miss this stressful time with the children (did I say that?!). I have to look past today and see that even though this might be stressful, and at times ugly, this is worth it. These children are worth it and we can do this!

The choice we made to get married and stay married is important. And most of all..

Our family is worth it❤️

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19 Replies to ““Your Child Makes Me Want a Divorce””

    1. Thank you— I am all about honesty! I think if you know that this is normal and can happen you can be ready for those feelings and prepare yourself to push through the negativity! So many couples (sadly) just walk away:-)

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  1. I was a child in a blended family, and it is very hard. Here’s another perspective. In my case, my sister reminded my father a lot of his first wife (my mother, who has passed on). There was a weird, emotional triangle between my father, my sister and my stepmother–involving jealousy, anger and sadness. I wish we could have opened this can of worms during the time we were growing up instead of allowing the underlying tension to build. I’m just saying in case you relate or this helps in some small way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My oldest son reminds me of my deceased husband and at times it is frustrating. He took a few of the negative qualities he had and I sure wish I could change that DNA sometimes hahaha!
      But…there are times where I love that he reminds me of him so I have a piece of him❤️
      That must have been hard growing up with that conflict especially with your sister and a stepmother! I’m so sorry!

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  2. A great post. Supported by experience, opinions vented, and then you closed beautifully saying how it’s all worth it.

    I don’t have the experience, but I always wondered what if you treated both sets of kids equally. Both, you and your partner would have to agree on it, of course, because otherwise it won’t work. I always thought that would be the best idea.

    As for kids, they will be kids. Until they grow up a bit, and realize it’s not your fault, and you didn’t hate them and take their mother’s place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Only in this blog do I refer to my “bonus” children as stepchildren. In our home I am the mom, Matt is the Dad, and all of our children are OURS. No step children. We do everything we can to treat them all equally and rarely bring up the words biological children/stepchildren.
      We think it’s best!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good question! For example—We currently have 3 teenagers in the home-1 that is bio mine, the other 2 are Matt’s. If my son gets into trouble I will come down like thunder on him (take phone away, ground him, etc) but I just don’t feel as though I could do that with my step daughters. I have before but it’s uncomfortable. I would rather wait till my husband is home, discuss the issue, and have him discuss with his daughter what the punishment will be.
        It’s just one of those awkward Blended family situations🤷🏼‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I felt the same way and I even prayed that someone would appear to me with a crystal ball and tell me what the future held for me and my children!
      I just followed what felt right and I CANNOT BELIEVE how deeply in love I am. Love after loss is different than anything else. You sure do appreciate your time with you loved one and every little thing they do because you know what it would be like to lose them.
      You never know who could be your next Prince Charming!

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