Blended Hope

World Suicide Prevention Day 2018

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I’m not sure what made me take this picture but I guess at the time I wished I could have sent it to my recently deceased husband, Cameron, to show him how badly we were hurting and I needed him.

As I was getting ready for bed on this day (5 months after Cam’s passing) my daughter, age 6, went into a complete breakdown over missing her daddy.

“I WANT MY DADDY BACK NOW!!!” “RIGHT NOW!! “RIGHT NOW!” “I WANT MYYYY DADDDDD!!”

“GO GET HIM!!!”

She screamed and cried and thrashed and spit and hit and cried so hard that night and there was nothing I could do but try to hold her, talk her through her emotions, kiss her, and love her.

As you can see in the picture, her face is blotchy (just like her mama) eyes are swollen and red, and her mouth is open because her nose was so stuffy from crying she could only breathe from her mouth.

This night I held her and cried so hard over our loss. I cried about the void that would always be there. No one could replace Cameron ever.

Cameron’s autopsy does not list suicide as his cause of death but instead it says “accidental overdose”. And in my opinion there isn’t much of a difference.

He was suffering inside for so many years and was going through such a rough time that he really didn’t care if he took a few too many pills, drinks, or drugs.

I share this with you because this picture is raw and real. This is what happens when you are gone. True suffering. It hurts in a way I cannot even explain with words.

You are not replaceable. Life might be hard right now but keep going. You are needed. I promise that life can change just keep trying. Fight to get better, reach out.

I am here if you ever need someone to talk too. PLEASE keep going❤️

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8 Replies to “World Suicide Prevention Day 2018”

      1. Thankfully, I have not gone through anything like you and your family had. But I’ve had people entertain some dark thoughts before. Whenever I would express what you did in this post, I would be labeled selfish. It’s their life, which I don’t have to lead. But for now, it worked. Hopefully, it will for others as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. The struggle is real everyday for me -as my son did overdose 2 1/2 years ago, he is alive in body but I feel a part of him did die that day,as nothing has ever been the same. Since that time,we as a family have endured his many demons and consequences of his choices, every day is hard but he is alive, I only hope one day we all can get through this not just survive this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know just how hard it is dealing with the ongoing demons and consequences-it is rough! But he is alive and hopefully will have a successful recovery. Addiction is a beast and one that very few can escape from. I’ll keep you all in my prayers❤️

      Like

  2. Thanks, Lisa for sharing as I have had many sad days feeling like if only “it” would be over. Some days just feel like I can’t do “it” anymore. “It” meaning my busy like of keeping “happy” together, raising teenagers, planning dinners, sports, extended family, friends, shopping, exercising, doctors, dentists, and working. Making things personal of what C. left behind makes me realize that “it” wouldn’t end. I just wouldn’t be helping anymore. I know the struggles are real but the fantasy of death is not the reality of death. I wanted to be anonymous but I guess you helped me so maybe I could help someone too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cam would often tell me “ugh when will this life just be over?! People who die are so lucky they are finished with this hell”
      I would always wonder (and never understand) how in my mind he “had it all” and how and why would he talk like this?!!! He could never wake up and just enjoy life, it was always a struggle.
      What I didn’t understand is that is what depression does to your mind!!!! I did EVERYTHING I could to be the perfect wife, I did everything in regards to the care of the children to make things easier for Cam thinking it would help, and no matter what it was never enough…he just was never happy. Nothing would ever be enough for him.
      The problem was he was an addict. We would try to get him clean long enough to try new medications and then he would just abuse different meds which just made it all worse. Then he would worry about his weight and he wouldn’t eat correctly and that would throw off his health or his asthma would act up which meant MORE meds . There was rarely a time where we could get him mentally balanced and stay that way for a long period of time.
      These negative thoughts, with help, can disappear. Life CAN become a joy but sometimes medication is necessary. It is possible!
      Death creates so many more problems and sadly I feel as though Cameron destroyed parts of my kids. My daughter especially. She battles life everyday now. She worries about her breathing, if she is going to die, etc. Its the saddest thing in the world. My 16 year old son will never leave the house without saying I love you, he will even call me or FaceTime me “just because” and he worries about never seeing me again. My kids have a great stepdad but they want THEIR dad. My son told me “I just want to hear MY dad tell me “I love you son”
      He will never hear that again.
      His whole life.
      Death solves nothing and you are not replaceable. YOU ARE NEEDED!!
      I hope you can help someone else, no one should ever have to endure this pain❤️

      Like

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