Now that I live in Utah, and live close to Brigham Young University, I am surrounded by the typical “mormon love story”. If you are not familiar with what that is, let me give you a quick introduction to what it is.
After serving a religious 2 year mission (or not) young men and women enroll at this university, socialize with those that may live on or off campus (there are countless fun activities here!), and somehow through a chance meeting or a set up you meet the love of your life, pray if they are “the one”, and get married in the temple.
Engagements happen DAILY here and the temples are always busy with weddings. I’ve attended some of the cutest weddings and have enjoyed watching these young couples begin their new life together.
For these young adults this is the ideal place to find a spouse! A common, shared religion to be the foundation of their future marriage. How beautiful is that?! In my opinion, this way of meeting a spouse eliminates SO MANY future problems.
<FYI: even my new husband Matt met and married his first wife this way! Ha!>
Then there are those of us who never experienced this ideal way of meeting a spouse. “Ideal” meaning: surrounding yourself with likeminded people, same age, same stage in life.
With my first marriage we did NOT start out our relationship with a common, good foundation. We both came from different walks in life, different religions, and different goals for our future. When I was preparing to marry Cameron I prayed to know if it was the right choice and each time I was left with a feeling of “yes, marry him. But it won’t be easy”. Probably a red flag but I accepted the answer I received and went with it. It was never easy with him, ever.
Fast forward 20 years and after his death I was left to find a new spouse.
Ohhhh how I could only dream of having an ideal dating pool at age 38!!!
I was too old to have the BYU love story, I now had 3 children to think about, and zero tolerance for red flags.
I needed someone good. I wasn’t asking for perfect, but good.
Where do you go to find “the one” when you are 38 years old and have three kids? The dating pool for people like me did not include an entire university of religious, good kids to choose from.
Nope, I had the internet hahaha!
My dating pool consisted of some “never been married” men, lots of cheaters, lots of men struggling with porn addiction, divorced men, cheated on men, men who didn’t want stepkids, “playboy” type of men, some who struggled financially, many that had unstable jobs, many who had less than desirable situations with their ex’s, custody issues, you name it…and last but not least: a few good men.
It was scary even thinking about bringing someone new into my life.
Should I trust them? Would it be worth it?
Then, I discovered something!
At this age it’s very likely that the person you are meeting today is the person they will be in a few years from now.
I saw this age and stage in my life as a positive instead of a negative. My life (and first marriage) experience had taught me a little about people and what to expect from them in the future.
If you meet someone who struggles with drinking too much or spending too much today then get used to it because at this age this is how they are. Yes, people can change but do you really want to deal with it? Not me!
If this new person in your life is less than honest with you then you better adjust to not knowing the full truth, ever. In other words, run like hell.
If this person struggles with their children from a previous marriage, as well as their ex, that won’t change either– so you will need to accept that if you are willing.
I could go on and on….basically what I’m saying is use your age as your advantage. When you are young you aren’t sure how your spouse will be in the future. Now that you are older and have a second chance really look into this new persons life and how they have chosen to live it.
My new husband Matt and I met through a religious grieving group so I already knew we shared the same religious values. Sadly, I spent every second trying to discover what his weakness was and what bad quality he had to see if marriage was even a possibility. I didn’t want any surprises.
Lucky for me, Matt is wonderful and doesn’t have a “secret dark side” to him. Yay!
Remarriage takes a lot of faith but can be the biggest blessing ever. Truly getting to know someone, finding out what their future goals are, and seeing how they choose to live their life, are all important factors.
*images from google
What was the biggest thing you learned when finding “the one” the second time around?