I’ll never forget the mental space I was in just 4 years ago. I was going through a rough, complicated divorce, was working full time, caring for my three children alone (I had full custody), managing my house and finances, and then in a horrible split second, my husband died.
It was terrible. It was painful. It was hell.
I tried so hard to be positive and not angry at the entire world but some days it was just unbearable.
I felt like “How can anyone possibly live through this much stress and still go on”?
My body ached all the time from head to toe from grief. I physically hurt. All I wanted to do was get what I needed to get done and then sleep. Then, I would try to sleep but couldn’t. I wanted to be alone or only with my children and I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to just wake up from this mess.
I went from “soon to be divorced” to next of kin. I went from “he’s no longer my problem” to “you are responsible for everything, including his financial debt”. Although I was divorcing my husband, in a single instant, I became wife again.
Emotionally, it was so confusing. During the pending divorce our families had taken their sides (of course) but when Cam died we all had to mourn the same person, in the same place. It was awkward and hard.
Cam’s death made me question everything I had learned about God and religion and I shook my fist at the heavens a couple times.
There were moments of “why me?” And “why my children?”. This happens to other people, not me.
I had moments of deep, scary darkness in my thoughts and it was during those times I would evaluate my life.
Why am I still here? What will my life become? What can I do to make my life happy? How can I overcome this deep sadness?
And it was in those dark times that I did the only thing I could think of: pray.
I prayed that I would be able to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel, that my children would be okay, that I would be okay, that the stormy cloud I was under would go away, and that I could feel love surrounding me.
And it worked.
I promise you if you are going through a rough time that eventually it will get better.
I started to look at my life and my perspective.
I had my health, I had my children, I had a job, great friends, and on and on.
I started noticing the things that I was grateful for and it all changed.
As with every New Year it’s a time to evaluate your life, set some goals, and have a fresh start. It’s my hope that you will see the good in your life even if darkness is all around and look at the positives in your life!
Wishing you all the best and Happy New Year!!